Monday, January 28, 2008
valentine
Yuck. valentine is around the corner.yuck. No man no val, yuck. those good old days i wanted vals day to be a public holiday. now the day should be prohibited.imagine all those bloody couples havin fun walkin,holdin hands, pple recieving gifts. im out of here.let me go and lounge in self pity.
Monday, January 21, 2008
ME A MAGISTRATE?
Last week my mum called me. Ok she calls me every other day but this call was the most fascinating call I have ever received from my mum.
After exchanging pleasantries 4 a very short while she hit the nail “anonymous gal I just gave your CV to my friend professor… he has assured me of a position for you in the judiciary”. Its then I think it occurred to her to ask me if im interested(as if it would make any difference. I am dumb founded 4 a nano second but recover quickly enuf to tell her politely that I don’t think that’s my callin in life. I mean imagine me as a MAGISTRATE which I most likely will be- I sentence you Mr. A to ten years imprisonment 4 stealing Mr. Q’s money, luckily I cant pass a death sentence whilst a magistrate but I could get promoted then…I sentence Mrs. R to death by hanging for killin her spouse (who in my opinion would probably be a hot looking stud-I see me admiring his picture I barely have time to listen to the case). God forbid the court has a wireless network and im on the net when im supposed to be listenin to lawyers who love hearing themselves speak and parties sayin it wasn’t me.
Any how I digress a little so I tell mummy dearest I am not interested in the calmest possible way. I should have been direct coz she still exploded sayin I know not wat is good 4 me-not true at all. So im basically 28 and just livin everyday as it comes. All I know 4 sure is I want to own a bakery and a book rental store, nothing exactly concrete.
She even gave her friend the professor the phone to speak to the recalcitrant daughter. In the most condescending voice I have ever heard he told me that we young pple don’t see wat they the elders see (a line straight from a Nigerian movie).He even called me his daughter imagine a man I have never seen, then he told me when next I am home I should come to his office to have a chat with him. Any how sweet mother said lets just get the job first then we discuss if I want it or not-as if.
See me see trouble o me and my life they want to help me run it as old as I am. Seriously my blog buddies if u are ever taken to court and u find out the judge/magistrate in charge of your case is anonymous girl wont u flee?
After exchanging pleasantries 4 a very short while she hit the nail “anonymous gal I just gave your CV to my friend professor… he has assured me of a position for you in the judiciary”. Its then I think it occurred to her to ask me if im interested(as if it would make any difference. I am dumb founded 4 a nano second but recover quickly enuf to tell her politely that I don’t think that’s my callin in life. I mean imagine me as a MAGISTRATE which I most likely will be- I sentence you Mr. A to ten years imprisonment 4 stealing Mr. Q’s money, luckily I cant pass a death sentence whilst a magistrate but I could get promoted then…I sentence Mrs. R to death by hanging for killin her spouse (who in my opinion would probably be a hot looking stud-I see me admiring his picture I barely have time to listen to the case). God forbid the court has a wireless network and im on the net when im supposed to be listenin to lawyers who love hearing themselves speak and parties sayin it wasn’t me.
Any how I digress a little so I tell mummy dearest I am not interested in the calmest possible way. I should have been direct coz she still exploded sayin I know not wat is good 4 me-not true at all. So im basically 28 and just livin everyday as it comes. All I know 4 sure is I want to own a bakery and a book rental store, nothing exactly concrete.
She even gave her friend the professor the phone to speak to the recalcitrant daughter. In the most condescending voice I have ever heard he told me that we young pple don’t see wat they the elders see (a line straight from a Nigerian movie).He even called me his daughter imagine a man I have never seen, then he told me when next I am home I should come to his office to have a chat with him. Any how sweet mother said lets just get the job first then we discuss if I want it or not-as if.
See me see trouble o me and my life they want to help me run it as old as I am. Seriously my blog buddies if u are ever taken to court and u find out the judge/magistrate in charge of your case is anonymous girl wont u flee?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Everyone around Blogville is doing resolutions. I hate being left out. I am not doing resolution but will indulge bloggers by writing wat would have been my resolution if I was doin that.
Ok my resolutions would have been basically to put an end to my various addictions. People they are called addictions for a reason…we cant do witout them.so here is my list and reasons why I cant do witout them herein after known as WICDWT.
I would stop being that girl that everyone calls including my bosses to find out if the public holiday has been announced/confirmed by the fed govt.
WICDWT
This is an important role im honored to be that gal who marks all holidays from jan-dec a year ahead. im so good I mark prospective holidays and the day the fall on-so I can plan well in advance. This is a serious role. Without me evil bosses would pretend they did not hear the public holiday announcement. My office needs this in me so there I cant make a resolution here.
I would finally accept wat everyone is saying that Friday is not a work free day.
WICDWT
I don’t work on Fridays.4 goodness sake Muslims go to mosque on that day-so im not a Muslim but I empathize wit them I wont work on Sundays so why shld I do Fridays and well it’s the day I visit my peeps in their offices, skip town and lie to my bosses that im doin field work.
3. Stop holdin my stomach and leavin company meeting because interesting stuff are rarely discussed(like salary increase latest gist on the internet), and the official laptop is not available
WICDWT
Yeah by now the whole office knows that nothing is wrong and all they need to do is to go to the reception and there I would be on the net. So all I need is a new thing to do when sneaking out and im bac in business.
Stop using the official laptop in the conference room to browse when company meeting’s goin on.
WICDWT
No cant do that, everyone else thinks im takin notes and I look so serious it would reduce my ratings.
Stop realeasing the catch on pples chairs during company meetins so pples seats go lower and they yelp thinking they are about to fall.
WICDWT
Hahaha mhen u shld see the looks on their faces when they are tryin hard not to scream polariod moment .ok coy meetings are long and borin I hv to catch my fun. Hehehe this is fun I urge all to try this. There is no way im givin this up.
Stop sendin notes to S durin coy meetings.
WICDWT
well i can do witout tjis one considerin S went and got married. so i will send notes to k instead.
Reduce my coke intake.
WICDWT
God forbid bad thing. It brings me great joy when im drinkin a chilled bottle of coke and its slinding down my throat. If its stop drinkin hot coke we can talk but a chill bottled no way.
Stop spending so much.
WICDWT
Trully I went to lilys store and begged her to remove my name from her data base so I don’t get thase lousy sms. Of course she refused so xcept if I change my no im stuck.
Stop consuming red wine.
WICDWT
First im an occasional drinker. I take about 2 bottles per week and then its not every week. Second I have insomnia and the wine knocks me out. I will die if I stop as I won’t be able to sleep. Period.
Feed the guards if im ever left home alone wit them
WICDWT
Well Jinta I would do this just 4 u. but the thing is I will neva be home alone again.
Reduce the time I spend on internet.
WICDWT
And afrobabe should stop blogging.
Reduce listening to music.
WICDWT
I have a laptop wit over a zillion songs, I have a walkman phone wit a 1 GB memory, and I am the person pple cal when they need a song. I had an mp3 player but I sold it. I cant do chores if im not listening to sumthing,I cook beta when im dancing in the kitchen .The way I see it im rendering humanity a service by providing pple wit stuff to listen to. No way am I reducing this. Can’t do witout music.
But wait o I can still do resolutions .My New Year resolution is to do the above 10 points so well I will excel and enter Guinness book of records.
Ok my resolutions would have been basically to put an end to my various addictions. People they are called addictions for a reason…we cant do witout them.so here is my list and reasons why I cant do witout them herein after known as WICDWT.
I would stop being that girl that everyone calls including my bosses to find out if the public holiday has been announced/confirmed by the fed govt.
WICDWT
This is an important role im honored to be that gal who marks all holidays from jan-dec a year ahead. im so good I mark prospective holidays and the day the fall on-so I can plan well in advance. This is a serious role. Without me evil bosses would pretend they did not hear the public holiday announcement. My office needs this in me so there I cant make a resolution here.
I would finally accept wat everyone is saying that Friday is not a work free day.
WICDWT
I don’t work on Fridays.4 goodness sake Muslims go to mosque on that day-so im not a Muslim but I empathize wit them I wont work on Sundays so why shld I do Fridays and well it’s the day I visit my peeps in their offices, skip town and lie to my bosses that im doin field work.
3. Stop holdin my stomach and leavin company meeting because interesting stuff are rarely discussed(like salary increase latest gist on the internet), and the official laptop is not available
WICDWT
Yeah by now the whole office knows that nothing is wrong and all they need to do is to go to the reception and there I would be on the net. So all I need is a new thing to do when sneaking out and im bac in business.
Stop using the official laptop in the conference room to browse when company meeting’s goin on.
WICDWT
No cant do that, everyone else thinks im takin notes and I look so serious it would reduce my ratings.
Stop realeasing the catch on pples chairs during company meetins so pples seats go lower and they yelp thinking they are about to fall.
WICDWT
Hahaha mhen u shld see the looks on their faces when they are tryin hard not to scream polariod moment .ok coy meetings are long and borin I hv to catch my fun. Hehehe this is fun I urge all to try this. There is no way im givin this up.
Stop sendin notes to S durin coy meetings.
WICDWT
well i can do witout tjis one considerin S went and got married. so i will send notes to k instead.
Reduce my coke intake.
WICDWT
God forbid bad thing. It brings me great joy when im drinkin a chilled bottle of coke and its slinding down my throat. If its stop drinkin hot coke we can talk but a chill bottled no way.
Stop spending so much.
WICDWT
Trully I went to lilys store and begged her to remove my name from her data base so I don’t get thase lousy sms. Of course she refused so xcept if I change my no im stuck.
Stop consuming red wine.
WICDWT
First im an occasional drinker. I take about 2 bottles per week and then its not every week. Second I have insomnia and the wine knocks me out. I will die if I stop as I won’t be able to sleep. Period.
Feed the guards if im ever left home alone wit them
WICDWT
Well Jinta I would do this just 4 u. but the thing is I will neva be home alone again.
Reduce the time I spend on internet.
WICDWT
And afrobabe should stop blogging.
Reduce listening to music.
WICDWT
I have a laptop wit over a zillion songs, I have a walkman phone wit a 1 GB memory, and I am the person pple cal when they need a song. I had an mp3 player but I sold it. I cant do chores if im not listening to sumthing,I cook beta when im dancing in the kitchen .The way I see it im rendering humanity a service by providing pple wit stuff to listen to. No way am I reducing this. Can’t do witout music.
But wait o I can still do resolutions .My New Year resolution is to do the above 10 points so well I will excel and enter Guinness book of records.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Happenings
Well it’s expected that I shld give d gist of my xmas.
First I decided that I was going 2 spend the 2 week break getting over my addictions namely bloggin, forum hopping, facebook which can all be summarized as an 8 letter word INTERNET. So there that’s why I have been incommunicado.
Secondly my elder sister and her husband came all the way from Canada with two terrorists they called sons, my siblings and I called them nephews, my parent’s grandkids. I must say the new batches of terrorists currently being recruited are a force 2 be reckoned with. Seriously I bought the nephew act for 30 min but I saw through the disguise my poor parents still think the ‘grandkids’ came.
Most importantly I refused to go to the village. I stood my ground and was left alone at home. Here is my diary of happenings
DAY 1. 26th dec
By nine AM the family had left. I sat in front of the TV and changed the channel after every 5 min,not because I wanted to but because I could change the channel wit out someone yelling ‘hey I was watching that’. I got bored of channel swapping By ten. I then dismissed the house help and told her to peep in on 31st dec. She fussed a little bout how I would cope I assured her that it’s ok to leave a 27/28 year old Girl at home. I also dismissed Bala-he doe’s odd jobs around the house. I escorted them out and locked the door doing a victory dance I was home alone wat could possibly go wrong.
At night as usual there was no lite I yelled 4 the guard who I wisely did not dismiss and told him to switch on the generator at 6pm (it’s meant to come on at 7 and go of by 10:30). I smiled all the way to my new room formerly my parents it had all the facilities TV, fridge ensuite bathroom.I turned off the generator by 11:30,I then put on my laptop and saw that my battery was about to run out that was when I made the startling discovery my idiotic junior ones had traveled with my adaptor.
DAY2. 27TH Dec.
My bday.I deliberately ignored the annoyin beeps coming from my phone. By 7 am the beeps had gotten so irritating-why I did not just switch of my phone will 4ever remain a mystery 2 me? On an off note are u meant to reply bday texts u know say thank u etc? By 11am I crawled out of bed it was a really cold day I managed to bath and had to overcome temporarily my drivin phobia to go and collect the pictures we took on xmas day, power pack 4 my sisters laptop and buy a few flu drugs. came home to an empty house.4 a fleetin moment I wondered at the wisdom of givin the help a break but cancelled it when I thot of how I would have 2 wake up 2 open the door ever morning…nay not worth it.My sisters power pack did not work wit my laptop, could not eat wat I cooked as eatin alone is borin,missed the full house briefly. The guard put on the Generator at 6 without being asked. Which was strange considering I did not give him food.
DAY3 28TH DEC
Woke up at 11.this time I smiled briefly, I miss the callous way my evil junior ones wake me. plus im staving and the kitchen is unappealing especially since the stuff from my previous attempt at cooking is still in the sink. Cartoon network has become my constant companion as there was noting else on cable worth watchin. I can’t imagine why the people leaving in Townsville have not left is it coz they have the power puff gals to save them? By evening im getting paranoid and delirious from not talking to any one, I have managed to convince my self that im going to be attacked at home, and I some how have developed a crush on a politician Dimeji Bankole how it happened is another mystery. Im tired of drinking coke and eating raisins it does nothing 4 the pain in my stomach. I cooked noodles but can’t eat more than 2 forks. Seriously eating alone is not fun. I am actually beginning to consider traveling to the village. The comin on of the Generator brings me no joy. Of course I still did not give the poor guard food(they work shifts so afta 12 hours a new one comes).
DAY4 29TH DEC
I can’t eat I cant sleep even changing the channels brings me no joy, im actually staring at coke and its staring bac,I Clean the whole house up including my brothers bathroom! I talk to my self coz im so paranoid I believe im forgetting how to talk. Even my nu phone brings me no joy. Then my evil, irritating junior ones cal me. They are tired of village life and are returning tomoro. Yeeha.
DAY 5 30th Dec
I wake up early actually get off from the bed take a bath put wine in the fridge and hide the remote.Yes I want them home but I still want my Tv RIGHTS. I even cook.Nice jollof rice with peppered goat meat.
DAY 6 31ST DEC
Im rudely awaken by my 23 year old brother quacking like a duck in front of my new room followed by hysterical giggles from my 25 year old sister. God punish them but im glad the are home
First I decided that I was going 2 spend the 2 week break getting over my addictions namely bloggin, forum hopping, facebook which can all be summarized as an 8 letter word INTERNET. So there that’s why I have been incommunicado.
Secondly my elder sister and her husband came all the way from Canada with two terrorists they called sons, my siblings and I called them nephews, my parent’s grandkids. I must say the new batches of terrorists currently being recruited are a force 2 be reckoned with. Seriously I bought the nephew act for 30 min but I saw through the disguise my poor parents still think the ‘grandkids’ came.
Most importantly I refused to go to the village. I stood my ground and was left alone at home. Here is my diary of happenings
DAY 1. 26th dec
By nine AM the family had left. I sat in front of the TV and changed the channel after every 5 min,not because I wanted to but because I could change the channel wit out someone yelling ‘hey I was watching that’. I got bored of channel swapping By ten. I then dismissed the house help and told her to peep in on 31st dec. She fussed a little bout how I would cope I assured her that it’s ok to leave a 27/28 year old Girl at home. I also dismissed Bala-he doe’s odd jobs around the house. I escorted them out and locked the door doing a victory dance I was home alone wat could possibly go wrong.
At night as usual there was no lite I yelled 4 the guard who I wisely did not dismiss and told him to switch on the generator at 6pm (it’s meant to come on at 7 and go of by 10:30). I smiled all the way to my new room formerly my parents it had all the facilities TV, fridge ensuite bathroom.I turned off the generator by 11:30,I then put on my laptop and saw that my battery was about to run out that was when I made the startling discovery my idiotic junior ones had traveled with my adaptor.
DAY2. 27TH Dec.
My bday.I deliberately ignored the annoyin beeps coming from my phone. By 7 am the beeps had gotten so irritating-why I did not just switch of my phone will 4ever remain a mystery 2 me? On an off note are u meant to reply bday texts u know say thank u etc? By 11am I crawled out of bed it was a really cold day I managed to bath and had to overcome temporarily my drivin phobia to go and collect the pictures we took on xmas day, power pack 4 my sisters laptop and buy a few flu drugs. came home to an empty house.4 a fleetin moment I wondered at the wisdom of givin the help a break but cancelled it when I thot of how I would have 2 wake up 2 open the door ever morning…nay not worth it.My sisters power pack did not work wit my laptop, could not eat wat I cooked as eatin alone is borin,missed the full house briefly. The guard put on the Generator at 6 without being asked. Which was strange considering I did not give him food.
DAY3 28TH DEC
Woke up at 11.this time I smiled briefly, I miss the callous way my evil junior ones wake me. plus im staving and the kitchen is unappealing especially since the stuff from my previous attempt at cooking is still in the sink. Cartoon network has become my constant companion as there was noting else on cable worth watchin. I can’t imagine why the people leaving in Townsville have not left is it coz they have the power puff gals to save them? By evening im getting paranoid and delirious from not talking to any one, I have managed to convince my self that im going to be attacked at home, and I some how have developed a crush on a politician Dimeji Bankole how it happened is another mystery. Im tired of drinking coke and eating raisins it does nothing 4 the pain in my stomach. I cooked noodles but can’t eat more than 2 forks. Seriously eating alone is not fun. I am actually beginning to consider traveling to the village. The comin on of the Generator brings me no joy. Of course I still did not give the poor guard food(they work shifts so afta 12 hours a new one comes).
DAY4 29TH DEC
I can’t eat I cant sleep even changing the channels brings me no joy, im actually staring at coke and its staring bac,I Clean the whole house up including my brothers bathroom! I talk to my self coz im so paranoid I believe im forgetting how to talk. Even my nu phone brings me no joy. Then my evil, irritating junior ones cal me. They are tired of village life and are returning tomoro. Yeeha.
DAY 5 30th Dec
I wake up early actually get off from the bed take a bath put wine in the fridge and hide the remote.Yes I want them home but I still want my Tv RIGHTS. I even cook.Nice jollof rice with peppered goat meat.
DAY 6 31ST DEC
Im rudely awaken by my 23 year old brother quacking like a duck in front of my new room followed by hysterical giggles from my 25 year old sister. God punish them but im glad the are home
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