Saturday, August 16, 2008

Kitchen Rules

I am a busy woman-fyne im 2 lazy to blog so here are some rules i saw it in a shop on a beautiful placard bout 5000Naira.Nice rules hilarious but xpensive if u ask me. so i pretended to be talkin on the fone and snapped it so i can share with as many people as possible.. so copy and paste in microsoft word,do sumthing sexy wit it print and paste in your kitchen.And Zephni i need anorther invite to ur blog...dont ask bout the last one pls

Never trust a skinny cook

like hugs and I like kisses, but what I’d love…is help with the dishes!

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the

impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on

to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house

when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!

This is a self-cleaning kitchen. Please clean up after yourself.

Friday, August 8, 2008


After 28 years of yearning to be in a serious relationship/gettin married i am finally in a relationship that looks like it would lead to the big M. hold your congrats as the feeling of euphoria i thot i would be feelin is strangely absent. 28 wasted years and all of a sudden i have decided im not the serious relationship/marriage gal.
My single friends are happy 4 me i am happier 4 them Whats wrong wit me.
Mr Serious relationship (s.r) is a nice,generous,kind and husband material kinda guy. he is crazy bout me very religious all in all a gud package. i like him a lot but the thot of marriage has me runnin in the oda direction. B4 when i see weddin pictures on facebook i actually go green with envy now i cringe at anything related to weddings. Mr S.R said we should think of a December date i told him piont blank that my friends and i are goin to calabar this december. he frowned but let it pass and was like fyne Jan will do. i meekly suggested Dec 2009 and he laughed thinkin i was joking. i want to end the whole thing for no beta reason than the fact that i dont want to get married. i just want him as a boyffriend wit no serious commitment issues. is that to much to ask 4?And before u all ask i lyke him, i have no problem wit him i just dont want to marry him or any body.
so advice humbly needed.
i have neva been in a relationship for more than 2 months, i get bored at the monotomy of one guy,and the seemingly loss of my independence as i hate takin permission to do stuff.
4 give my ramblings im agitated and my mum has a smug smile-my kid sister hinted that i might soon get married

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Swit Nothings!!!

I want to thank u all 4 ur encouraging words.u guys are the best

I think im bac. well at least 4 this week im bac. This unemployment thing aint so bad o. i thot by now i will be suicidal. instead im actually having a vacation.pple are really nice 2 me. Anor advantage is that its a natural cure to shopaholism. i have not shopped in a month and that is not related to the fact that im expecting clothes from the states-did i mention im a buziness woman now?and i have decided to buy half of the clothes. also unemployment has unleashed the biz women in me. im still looking 4 a job( with a nonchalant attitude) but im puttin all my might into this self employment thing-i tell u there is sumthin in this self employment thing o.
The only disavantage is that i hate the fact that im now a PRUDENT spender.Trully i hate the fact that i cant buy wat i want when i want coz i have to manage my resources it sucks big tyme. plus i was meant to go to Dubai-no such luck. so until i give a proper post see ya.

Monday, June 23, 2008

hi all. sorry i will be AWOL 4 a while. at least until i sort myself out. i will miss blogville 4 the duration of my absence which might be 4 a week 2days a month Godforbid a year. my email is on my profile page atleast i will check tha regularly. see ya.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Help (Insert long shriek) im jobless. to cut a long story short, the company i work wit relies on grants to function.Grants have been scarce. so all departments aside the clinical dept have been told to go on a 4 month leave without pay. im a lawyer ie im not in clinical ie im going.Well i have known the have been havin financial issues so i have been job hunting but not seriously as i thot the situation will reverse itself. it has not. And guess wat my boos told me to draft the leta of...i wonder wat to call it. Aint that cool i get to draft my sack leta. im thinkin of saying they should pay severance fees for a year, hmm wat else can i put in the leta to my advantage???

Monday, June 9, 2008

Candy from a baby

A thousand apologises 4 the late update. I went home I fell ill, I got beta, I decided to do some thinkin skip work etc.
The first tyme I heard the sayin like taking candy from a baby I thot who would want to take candy from a baby? That was a long tyme ago. If dictionaries or phase books had pictures my smilin face will be beside that phase. Don’t get me wrong I love babies they are cute and cuddly, they love u unconditionally and they also have bags full of goodies.
Baby J is a cute 2year old gal.Nice baby full of hugs and kisses and her kiddy bag- full of supplies,juice,biscuits and wait the occasional chocolates mmmh. Baby j is the grand daughter to the family I stay with. She is always at the grand parents place along wit her kiddy bag. At first it was easy stealing her stuff,that was until she started talkin (if u can call wat she does talkin).i remember recently I stole juice from her food store I made it into the room successfully witout being spoted by anyone only to slam the room door shut and see a smilin baby runnin to me yellinAnonymousgal juice”.Kai I had a bad day at work I was hungry and dehydrated I just wanted to drink my juice in peace-plus baby j is greedy if I put the juice in her mouth I would not have gotten it bac plus(again) she goes to day care wit juice when she gets bac she has another so forgive me for not being in the mood to share. I hid the juice in my bag. She let out a yell that brought her mum runnin.i explained to the mum that she wants juice while the baby continued cryin and pointing at my bag. Her mum now said the best words I heard all day ‘no juice 4 her she has had enuf’. Haba she as I enjoyed my juice afta her mum left.Fyne I gave her a lil sip she was yellin to much.Then her bday came she was goin to be 2. I searched the shops 4 the perfect that I could play wit .so dolls were out of the question. I found a bowlin set.perfect. her 2 aunts and I were more excited over the gift. We presented it to her and she dropped it immediately favourin anor toy. Not that we minded it just eliminated the job of collecting it forcibly from her. When we tore open the pack the contents spilled .we good 4 nothin aunts picked the contents eargely only to look up and see about 15 pair of kiddy eyes starin at us eagerly.
A. we arived the party late.
B. we had a fashion show to attend in like two mintues.
C. we had to bowl,eat,pray before goin to the fashion show.
D. no way we were goin to allow about 15 kids bowl before us.
So we did what had to be done. We totally ignored the expectant eyes and ran off to a more secluded location to have fun.
Pass not judgement on us a fashion show was waitin. Its not like we are pedophiles or sumthin

Monday, May 26, 2008

Weekend from hell

A Couple of friends and i decided to go shoe shopping on sat. we had been plannin the outing for a week and a chronic shopaholic like me was looking forward to it with glee. The rendezvous was to take place at a 11 on sat. i woke up dressed to kil i even wore heels which was unlike me as im a flat slippers gal.

Anyways i boarded a cab to hook up wit one of the shoppers who stayed within town as the shop we intended to raid was out of town. about 5 min from the said friends house i called her so that she can meet me outside- i was not in the mood to greet any elder and frankly my shoes were killin me already. She begged me to just come in to which i grudgingly accepted. i bent to force my phone into my pocket and that was when i noticed that the cab was heading straight to the pavement in the middle of the round. i looked up to warn the driver but it was to late. we climbed the pavement which on its on was high drove on it for about 15seconds then landed on the road again. i rather we remained on the pavement coz we landed on the opposite lane ie incomin traffic, right on the path of an incomin prelude. there was no were to dodge, it was a three lane road and all three lanes had cars so an impact was inevitable. let me tell u all, when u stare death in the face all that shit bout i said a quick prayer-LIE. the only think u feel fear fear fear fear FEAR. I Looked at the prelude that was speeding into us as we were speeding into it, i felt a rush i mean a huge rush of fear.from my toe to my hair. i blanked out on impact. i came thru about 10 seconds later. someone had opened my door. i noticed my possessions scattered all over the dashboard. i picked them up walked out of the car and continued walking on the road. my mind was numb my feet were wobbly. i just kept walkin. i heard pple in the background yellin at me to leave the road.some were shoutin that someone should catch me.i felt as if i walked for hours in truth i had taken a few wobbly steps when my legs gave way. 2 men picked me up and took and took me aside. that was when the water works started. i called my friend then i did something stupid i called my mum. my mum panicked. of course i called her bawling my eyes off murmuring something bout accidents.
Physically im not hurt but 2 days later im still shocked, i kip re living the accident over and over.i kip hear the impact, i think about the fear i felt. Men i dont wish this on any person.
Im outa here.
O would u believe i still went shoe shopping. i shopped in a trance lol.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Lil sis

First up I just went to say hi to a friend at her crib and she dashed me those sandals. *long sign* I am so in love, the fit like a glove-as u all can see.

I want to dedicate this post to my kid sister. That gal has got to qualify as the craziest being I know. I call her information high way. that babe even though she is at Benin knows all that happens in the family.if u want the scoop on why uncle B left the country in a hurry she is the place to go. When uncle B breaks up with his gal fri, the said galfri comes crying to her.u would think they will come to me seein that im older and all. When a cousin who thinks we are not Christian enuf tries to make us more Christ like I am ignored- I have wondered at this i.e. I should burn in hell or are they hopin she will convert and change me? As a kid she had the biggest mouth ever, the problem was the mouth spat out the truth and in primary school the truth did not make u cool. Me I was a liar hence I was cool until the lil tyke joined me and all my coolness dissipated. Before lil sis we had a house in London, we were ‘butters’ (kids wit a silver spoon) we ate chips and ketchup 4 dinner, cakes and juice 4 breakfast and 4 lunch rice and stew. I wonder why that was important or how it made one cool it just did. Lil sis was proud to announce that we loved beans, dinner was always tuwo (ehm how to I explain tuwo any help?) atleast breakfast was cornflakes or bread and tea. Couldn’t she just shut up? Infact I was reliably informed that with out being asked she will raise her hands and tell her teacher that she wants to share with the class what she ate for dinner. Ok fine I was wrong to lie so as to b cool but who the hell shares wat they ate 4 dinner without being asked esp if such a meal is infact uncool. She was also the blabber mouth. She reported my big bros, uncle, cousin and I when we watched our first porn. Imagine the gal so I was still in class 4, but she was invited to join she declined only to go to daddy to say we are watchin bad film. Suffice to say daddy made an appearance and to think the next day was my bday. She takes my bags, perfumes, body spray accessories. lucky she can’t wear my clothes or shoes so those are safe, though it does not stop her from telling me to buy the exact top 4 her.
Lil sis has a pant obsession when we fought she will pick a scissors and rip my pant-funny that I neva noticed I must have been such a slob. She confessed in her teens. Hmm must have irked her that I didn’t notice.
At one time afta she watched the film 'act of will' she made a will and bequeathed to my father all her PANTS. And by that I don’t mean trousers I mean panties. Imagine her 6 year old mind. My dad was very touched and promised to look afta them.
Well I miss her badly coz rarely see her now as she is in her fourth year in med school. So im proposing a toast to her. All raise ur wine glasses to the most annoyin and lovable sister…

Monday, May 12, 2008


I was minding my business when Onome, abby and yarmama tagged me. So here goes 6 quirks (wat a word)

The first has to be i have a massive fear of the ats family.
Yes I can’t stand rats, cats and bats. Ok so I have neva encounted a bat but seeing as I am petrified of its colleagues the cat and rat I assume I will feel the same way about it to. if I see a cat or rat I run the oda way screamin or I stand at a spot and close my eyes and just freeze.I don’t know why I should feel an insane fear for those things I just do.
Secondly I think beds were a wasted invention.
U don’t know sleep until u sleep on the floor. Cant rem when last I slept on a bed,I usually fold my blanket on the floor and sleep blissfully. Let me tell u a secret if u don’t want me to sleep put me on a bed I would be awake half of the time.
Thirdly im fascinated by snakes
Yes I know 4 someone afraid of the ats this is a strange. But wat can I saw I love watchin snake documentaries(when my mum is not near of course) when a snake is spotted and sane people are screaming and running way yours truly is running towards.
Fourthly im scared of lag.
Shoot me I have only been there once and I was on my toe all thru my week visit.yes I had fun but evri thing had an undertone of be careful “o dear we cant go that way coz robbers love that road” “we cant leave early we might get robbed” “are u ok you should not pick your phone here”. Since then (bout 3 yeas ago) I have a feelin that as I land in the airport or ABC Park i will get robbed my bag containing the adress im supposed to go 2, my fone and all my cash will be taken. I will thus b stranded…
Im a cartoon freak.i don’t know where I will be with out cartoon network, Disney etc.
Finally im a confirmed Internet junkie. Took the test in true love waste africa. Passed with flying colours.imagine I laff lol.if that’s not strange last week I was takin minutes 4 a meetin a joke was cracked and I wrote LOL in the coy minute book.
That’s it hereby tag aloofar, funms, lg, oluwadee, chickito.

On to the biz of today yes that’s baby anonymousgal. Note how I have no neck??? Well I have a neck now thankfully but the cheeks-still there. As a child I hated that pic.i was certain that was not me coz in my opinion the baby looked like a toad. I sincerely thot my elder sisters picture-she had a neck and was beta dressed than I got older I accepted defeat afterall the whole family could not be lyin to me and I did bear a strikin resemblance to the baby in the picture. Now my major beef is wat the hell did my mum clothe me with.i spent an hour yest trying to figure out if im wearin a kaftan or its some form of dress. I also cant figure out why there are no ribbons on my head.that picture was taken in 1980 I believe ribbons existed.anyway mother dearest is not around for me to hound so until shes back im out here.
NB I was a cute baby wasn’t i?

Monday, May 5, 2008

Sick Sick World.

By now evri one has heard of Josef Fritz the sicko who kidnapped his daughter and kept her as a sex slave 4 24 years. Trust my boring friends and I to try to pshyco analyze the situation over suya and masa.
Yours trully brought up the argument and a heated debate ensued. Actually it was 5 against 1. THE 1 said its nature’s ugly cause that reared its ugly head. ( she was not in support o) but argued that its just coz joes own came to lite that’s why we are all makin noise. That most men have but are able to suppress sexual urges 4 daughters. We the 5 yelled her down on morality grounds.actually our strongest point were its just sick. Madam 1 now gave a point that 4 days later still has me thinking she said ok when daddy travels we the daughters go to sleep with mummy. But when mummy travels why don’t we go to sleep wit daddy? That statement shut 5 loud mouthed female lawyers up. No body could think of a suitable come back. I concluded the argument with a resounding its sick and unnatural. But why is it that gals dont move in wit daddy when mummy has travelled? could it be that we actually have it at the back of our minds that any thing can happen? is my friend rite???
The argument now went into how he was able to hide it from his wife. 5 said the wife must have known. I(voltron defender of the defenceless) decided to defend the wife by arguing feebily that it was possible 4 her not to have known. How possible is that? 4 a husband to be sneekin of to the basement 4 24 years not arousing suspision? I hate to say but Joe was an intelligent sicko. Neigbours were not suspicious, ‘wife wasn’t’. Me- there is no way my husband will tell me not to go some where eg don’t enter my study and I really wont do so. Infact the next free moment I have afta I have been told not to go I will go to the don’t go.
Then I saw pictures of the basement that place was not built in a day it is a mini apatment kai the wife must have been suspicious, or the husband abused the wife that she was scared shitless of him. Any way that’s my opinion.
SO my pple wats ur 2 cents on this mata?

Monday, April 28, 2008

Reply to a Rejection leta

Had a sad week. 2 of my closest friends lost loved ones. one his dad and another her cousins child. I knew the cousins child a lil cute boy of bout 6. cute boy i rem laffin wit him bout his big head. anyway he fell off the school bus. imagine that. I wonder why Drivers are left alone wit about 20 screamin kids and no other supervision. anyway not in the mood of serious bloggin so enjoy a this leta
The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book]. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].Sincerely,[your name]

Monday, April 21, 2008

understanding men.

I have given up on the quest of trying to understand guys. I rem my ex I was nice to him really nice, I tried to balance callin regularly with understandin that he needs his space, I was not rude and flippant on the fone- I hv heard the way some gals talk to there men-MHEN, so rude, I neva asked for cash or a recharge card whilst exhaustin my credit replyin his text msgs, I was planning a trip to lag- ON MY BILL. Geez.
Issues im embarrassed to talk bout now caused us to break up. Luckily I was not so hung up on him. But nonetheless my pride was still hurt when we ended it. I sat down and thot bout the whole relationship my only conclusion was that there is no way a woman can figure out a guy and vice versa.
I have had some toasters disappear only to later hear that I was so “nice” … since when has being nice become bad?
On the other hand my friends who ask 4 money, shout on boyfriends etc are still in relationships with the men they are supa rude to. Hmm that’s one of lifes mystery I guess.
Well so I have been a good gal all my life. I tasted alcohol 4 the first time when in 2004 I was 25. I still don’t do beer parlours, I had my first kiss when I was 19(shakin my head), I have only dated 4 guys chei and im 28, im really not into the clubbin scene I would rather stay home and read a novel or watch a movie, neva gotten laid (I need to get shagged ASAP) don’t do sleep over in guys houses. I can count my real friends on hand while my anonymous acquaintances I e my internet buddies (from blogging and forums) are numerous. So I have kept the really borin details to my self.
Hmm I really need to learn to balance nice and fun.
On a lighter note I hv just discovered that im allergic to kitchens. The allergies hv no manifestations but I know deep in me whenever im cookin that this is not the place 4 me.

Monday, April 14, 2008

HIV and Women

I work in a HIV/AIDS facility. Head office is situated about 60 km from town. As a result most of our clients are farmers and illiterates. We have a few choice clients.
I tell you in this HIV scrooge women are the ones that are hit bad. A good number of our clients are men. Married with 1-4 wives, girlfriends etc. After counseling when we tell them to bring their wives to be tested, they refuse. We beg and try to make them understand that it would be better if the women gets tested so incase she is positive she can start treatment- it falls on deaf ears.
This situation pisses me off royally and there is no law that mandates a man to disclose his status to the wife. I remember one client during my customer care days that brought his wife and whispered to me that I should do her the test I did 4 him. This was a man of bout 40.if the woman was up to 20 shoot me now.
ME: what test?
HIM: that one now.
Me: sir we run a lot of tests you need to be specific (of course I knew wat he wanted but I was not in the mood to make it easy for him)
Him (leaning closer and whispering) HIV. But don’t tell her just give me the result secretly.
I was mad. Imagine his guts. I told him the woman has to b counseled and for something as delicate as HIV she needs to give informed consent. He went into a tirade bout how she is his wife and does not need to know anything. Suffice to say I won the argument. But it was a small victory as this happens everyday all around. At least this one brought his wife. Millions have refused.
As a woman do you need to sit at home and wait for your husband to tell u to get tested before u do? I’m a northern gal from Gombe i.e. core north. They tell our gals go school they say wats the point shei they will marry? Im doing my masters my aunties think I should have married instead. im working and fending for myself-they think im scaring off the men? They marry and can’t stand up to the men. There are tons of information out there about HIV but no they are waitin for husband to say lets go get tested.
Seriously women have a problem caused by us the women. We can say it’s a mans world all we want but we bring on some of the atrocities committed against us.
Ok im pissed I can write on and on but let me go take a deep breathe.

Monday, April 7, 2008


My mother is a case with out a handle. Even though I love her to bits she drives me crazy sometimes.
There was this time when I was an undergraduate I think school was on break I was at home anyway. On a hot afternoon chillin wit ma sis in my room. All of a sudden there was a commotion, my mum ran out of her room yellin that the cow was dying.Let me digress a little. I call my house mini zoo. We have bout 2 cows, goats, sheep’s, chickens, and peacocks. So that faithful day like I said she ran out yelling that a cow as dying. My sister and I simultaneously hissed and relaxed bac to our idle chit chatting. About 30 minutes later madam busted into our room in all her glory.
‘u people are not serious a cow was dying and u just laid down in your room…’she went on and on and on. See me see trouble o. first wat has seriousness got to do wit a dying cow. Secondly am I a vet or is my sister a vet? Finally were we supposed to stand by a dying cow and eulogize its attributes? Of course I stupidly voiced out my opinions. well lets just say I was not spoken to 4 2days.

Another time she sent me to get the attire she wore the previous day. I went upstairs like the good obedient daughter I am and came bac wit the wrong attire. Ha Mrs. went into a tirade about how im unobservant and how if she as kidnapped I wont be able to say wat she was wearing blah blah blah.wat brought being kidnapped into me bringing her the wrong attire? I must have been young coz I know I cried my eyes out.

Well recently she has taken to buying wedding pots and pans etc 4 me. I will come home and she will say she saw a pot describe it and ask if im interested in it. “So that when the time comes we wont be over whelmed”.
Wow I love u mummy.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Barack and Clooney

Americans have no problems- constant electricity, water, Hollywood etc. They are a set of intelligent people who quest for knowledge earnestly. At least that’s what I think is responsible for some of the jobless ( in my opinion) stuff they do. Their insatiable quest for knowledge lead to the life changing discover that Barack Obama is related to George Clooney. Yes, I heard it on insider Saturday night. The silly reporter even claimed that she can see the resemblance. Barack and george? Barack himself acknowledged that the relationship was 9th generation. I had a sleepless nite pondering the issue. The question “is it really important” kept hammerin in my head. U can imagine presidential campaigns in Nigeria next thing they say Ramsey Noah is related to Atiku Abubakar. I gisted my siblings and the was not comical and ridiculous to them. On my way to Abuja Sunday morning I kept on shakin my head. I had to share the scope of the century wit someone who understood the silliness of the situation. I sent an sms to 2 obama supporters who happened to be my friends. Luckily one had credit and replied wit more bad news. She was like am I just hearing? Brad pitt is also related to obama 9th generation, and Angelina jolie to Hilary. Can this get any worse?
I adopted my friend (the one who replied) then and there as a cousin 9th generation since 9th is the in thing. Denzel also became my cousin 5th gen (its denzel he has to be close). All my blog buddies are hereby my cousins 20th generation. apart from jinta. Jinta is 7th( he has to b closer I have a huge crush on his friend laspapi so the closer he is the closer I get to the brains behind V Monologues) Also solomonsdelly kids are my 9th generation cousins. Afrobabe 10th, Guireranaija 8th (the babe is mega intelligent)onome and florida 11.who else yes naija chikito since we both in abj u are my 8th generation cousin. I could go on coz I have tons of blog buddies/ long lost cousins.
Fine I know by bloggin this I have become jobless but I just cant get this outa my head,. Im outa here.let me go and think of who is worthy to be my cousin.

PS the Nigerian senate is also jobless they want to pass a bill on dress code. no time to spell check.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A reply to all my unanonymous acquitances

I am not a just shy.extremly shy. the other day u said hello to me i answered you, under my breathe coz i could not shout out like u did,nor could i look in your eyes like u attempted to. When u asked me to come hang out wit your friends i said no not because i did not feel like hanging out wit you, but coz crowds/pple terrify me. its not my fault that im not out going or that i can spend the rest of my life indoors or is it?
ok seriously thats wat i go thru every day how does one overcome an extreme case of shyness. most people think im a snub. wats the line that divides being a snub and bein shy? are they one and the same thing?
wat makes me terrified of crowds? sure i hang out but i have to go with pple i know very well.i would rather stay at the bac..but if they insist i go to the front. if they are there im ok.
How come if my friend lives me alone in a room wit a stranger im pertrified?
how weird am i?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Every Disappiontment = blessing

The day my bag was snatched started out as a normal day. I woke up brushed took my, bath (cant rem if I prayed) and went to work. It was a Friday about 2 years ago I was doing my compulsory national service (corper ).
Any way there was a concert in family worship center church. This dude Chris delvan was performing. I love music I had to be there. I also loved Chris. As a corper we were paid in cash.15k.good money coz I got 8500 from the fed govt. so I entered the office briefly and was given my 15k.i entered ninth heaven. I spent the money in my mind.
Head office is about 60km from Abuja main town. All thru the journey I was in the market buyin Ankara fabrics, cosmetics etc. fast forward to were I dropped from the bus, 4 the Abuja readers I dropped at Sheraton junction u know that grand square wuse mrk junction. It was bout 7.00pm. There were bout two dudes at the bus stop. Feelin smart I stood in front of them practically on the main road and flagged the first cab I saw.
I was using the hand bag my mum gave me black with red straps. It was more of a clutch but I had the straps on my shoulder. I bent my head to negotiate wit the driver before he even got to me. I was that desperate to leave the two unserious lookin men who were not in a hurry to get a cab. Before I could say Jack Robinson I felt someone pushin me. I thot the man wanted my cab. Alas he was after my bag. I held unto the bag as if my life depended on it- well all my cash was in it and so was my phone. I pulled he pulled, I screamed he pulled harder. I put up good fight but the straps of the bag gave way. Well the cab man took a sobbing me to my destination. Were I hooked up wit my colleagues and called home.
My mum promised me 10k on Monday. And said she will send money 4 a fone- she has a policy of fones shld not be more than 10k, I have a policy of fones shld be 30k and above. On Monday a puffy eyed me entered the office. And a colleague S gave me 1,000 naira. I accepted tearfully. Not up to 10 min later anor gave me 5k. Hmm I wiped my tears. A friend called and gave me 30k for a nu phone. That was by 1030.The puffiness in my eyes had gone. My elder sister called from Canada she just western unioned me 100 dollars. Seriously I was the picture of happiness. Anor friend called that wat do I want him to bring for me-ha he gave me 2k on top of that.
God is good and to think I lost just bout 18k.
Yiha wed is a public holiday.yiha.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Teaching Maths

I hate a lawyer most of us hate math’s. bout 2 years ago I was doin my compulsory service to the government AKA NYSC . I stayed with a nice family of lawyers. Father lawyer, mother lawyer and the son of bout 4 who dreamt of being just like daddy.

Now the boy was my personal person. I was the one that taught him how to spell his name, told him that N and M are two different alphabets, gave him chocolates, coke etc in the privacy of my room and sent him to his parents when the sugar hype kicked in. And most importantly I helped him with his home work (I especially loved the coloring homework I bribed him not to tell daddy then we shared the coloring btw me and him). That is the part of his homework that did not involve maths. I left that for his dad. Not that I can’t do it I rem sayin but at least I left some work for you.
There was this day that his dad called and begged me to help him coz he and madam would be late. I did not panic how hard can it be. The boy is 4 I can handle nursery school maths-or so I thot. The home work was basically _ + 3 = 4. Easy we did it together I waited eagerly for him to return from school the next day. To cut a long story short for the first time in his math book he had a 7 over 10 as opposed to 10 over 10. I panicked I wanted to tear out the page/ go to his school and fight with the teacher/ hide his assignment book. Daddy 4gave me. I was given one more chance. In oda not to mess up again I brought out my fone used the calculator and told him the answers. I did not pretend to teach him afterall they thot him in school so he has the idea. Plus I had to redeem myself. As soon as I finished cross checkin his answers and makin sure all was rite in walked mummy. Typical I hissed she waited for me to do the hard part before coming home. She picked his assignment book and asked how he arrived at the answer to number one. To my horror he said “aunty anonymous gal said I shld write 3” she glared at my pink face. “How bout no 2” she asked aunty anonymous gal said I shld write 8” chei see me see wahala.and that continued up to no 10. I mean after no 2 she shld have known that I told him the ans but she had to rob insult to injury.
Suffice to say I neva did his maths home work again.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Why u should not lie to your boss

I read a few weeks back on jaybabes blog a joke on why u shld not lie to your boss. I took it for what it was A JOKE. That was until the events of Thursday unfolded.
To begin wit either my bosses found my blog or they really needed an admin asst coz the former one resigned I don’t know but I was transferred to head office. That means I can’t skip Friday work (though I have been coming up wit creative excuses to dodge work on Friday-im almost out so I need ideas)
Any how last Friday was Rhythm unplugged a show where all my people would perform Timaya, P2 etc. I wanted to be appropriately “HIGH” for the occasion which meant I have to start sippin wine from 5.U know if u go 4 these things sane u wont have as much fun as when u are intoxicated and having no inhibitions. Work closes at 5, I would be home by 6.bath get ready i.e. time to sip i.e. I would go for the show and not be able to scream appropriately. The show was slated 4 7. I put on my thinking cap and decided the only solution was to skip work on Friday. im entitled to 2 Fridays off 4 sch so why not skip work and school. Sounded perfect to me. I can cover up the school thing wit heavy reading. From Monday I told HR I was going to school on Friday. I then sang to all at work including the gatemen that im not comin on Friday. It was a fool proof plan. Had gotten a top ready, 4 bottom well it was btw cocolet and my nu love. My gals and I had planned to go early so we can sit in front.
Thursday came I was edgy could not wait for work to end so I could go and try my clothes again and decide on bottoms. By four I was ready to go and had started harrasin HR on the advantages of closing at four. Now HR himself stays near me kinda so he gives me a ride. Just as he was about to drop me off he casually said “enya so u will miss rhythm unplugged”. I put on my best gosh im missing up on a good thing face and said “yes, u see the disadvantages of school” whilst grinning in my mind. He was now like well he will give me the gist on Monday as he was taking his wife. I almost fainted. I mean u pple know how these shows go I could be shown on the wide screen or worst Dbanj might just ask me on stage wit him no way I could say no to that. Anyway im typing this on Friday nite by sure my gals and idiotic HR are havin fun. Im at home watching friends on a un high mind gosh I wish I was drunk or sumthing.
So my pple don’t ever lie to your boss. These pple have powers beyond u.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Trash called diet coke and other stuff.

Wat is that rubbish coca cola call diet coke,its just coke wit plenty water.on Friday I was travelling out of town to the place were I am a part time master student---yeap Im doing my LLM and I had a paper on Saturday.well before livin town I entered a super market. I was dyin of dehadration and was not in the mood 4 line wit my weight loss (least I forget I have lost about 3kg) I left cans of chilled ginger beer,red bull,fanta etc 4 a can of diet my mind I thot it would taste like coke.I waited for the journey to begin before opening it.wat a horrible taste I had to check the expiry date to be sure it had not expired.I hate littering so I had to hold unto it for the entire journey. The worst part of the story is that 4 no reason I felt like emptying the contents on the guy sitting in front of me.i really had to hold my self.
Cocolet my black jeans has nu competition. I had this pair of dark blue jeans that was to tight 4 me.well now it fits and boy does it fit.since I made the discovery cocolet has entered the laundry basket and my nu love is now my nu love.seriously I don’t know why im prone to abuse stuff.when I discovered noodles I ate it so well till I got sick of it,I discovered a game called zuma- I played all nite now I cant stand the game,I discovered internet-ok im still on that one but im over forum hoppin im now into bloggin and facebook.
Speakin of facebook I have now become a professional profile stalker.I pity my friends and the 2 young men who I know not but still stalk.
Finally im thinking of getting a personality change. im usually referred to as the “nice gal”. I want to be known as sumthin else.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

An ode to my jeans

Late last year about 5 days to xmas I went jeans hunting. I needed a pair of blue jeans. I have about six pairs of blue jeans but they are all either to long or big at the waist (I have a major problem wit belts) or to tight-I love them a lil lose. I prefer blue coz I am prone to abuse black jeans.
I got the blue jeans alrite but I also found my one true love… cocolet, my black jeans. I had to name her afta my other prized possession cocolet my laptop.
From the day cocolet came into my life I have not remained the same she is perfect not tight enuf to choke u, and not lose so u look shabby. Her only flaw is that she needs a belt small prize to pay.
And to think I was skeptical when the sales gal showed her to me. I only tried her so I don’t upset the nice gal and so she will give me a discount on the blue one-as if.
The very next day I wore her and the next and the next and took a break from xmas-nu year then I resumed in earnest and have not stopped. I have only worn the blue ones once.
I wear cocolet on Monday to work coz its company meeting day and if I wear a nice top she can pass as trousers I hope I don’t get caught.
I wear her every day when I get bac from work and have to go out.
I wear her on Fridays and saturdays to gallivant all over the place.
She has a brief rest on Sunday except if im en route back to Abuja which I am, usually.
Suddenly all my clothes look better on cocolet, seriously I tried to use another jeans once but I looked funny and I felt as if I was cheating on cocolet.
I don’t even wear my black trousers, I’d rather wear a colored one, or a skirt coz I look beta in cocolet. All pale in comparison.
I have to hide cocolet when im not near or in her to protect, coz my roomies consisting of my friends lil sis and a cousin have treated to burn her. Burn o not hide.
Am I crazy? Hope not.
Am I obsessed? I really think not im just in luv.
On this note I beg all and sundry if u don’t already have one get a pair of black jeans.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

That does it. I have joined the band wagon. I am going to do something about my weight. I am tired of being that fat girl. I am going to work on my image, wear heels and generally become a babe. I don’t want to be a size 16 anymore I don’t want to be a size zero at least a size 10/12.
What brought this on? potential-: BUSINESS date wit one of the IT guys in Nigeria. Not IT as in I.T telecoms IT as in IT. I mean the broda is fine. The ‘date’ is not for anoda month. In anticipation I went to spy on the brodas face book profile. Mhen u should have the babes with a capital leta B on his profile chei! I turned a very dark shade of green. Damn all those thin pwetty gals that don’t give gals like me a chance, Damn all them brodas who like those anorexic looking things.
I know it’s a business date where money matas would be discussed but I want to make a dashin first physical impression. Kinda like I enter the room and IT guy forgets all about business that is to be discussed and we end up flirting all nite long then I look at the time and its about 3 so I cant get a Cab, so I have to spend the nite- im getting ahead of my self.
First step I weighed myself. My lord thank God im anonymous would you believe 80kg.I almost fainted. I got down climbed the scale again to be sure it was not a mistake…nope it wasn’t. The last time I climbed a scale 2 years ago I was 70- I got down cried and vowed that the next time I climb a scale I would be 60.
Next I brought out all my old cosmo mags on how to make a lasting impression and how to make your self totally irresistible…I think now would be a good time to see if all those stuff work.
3rd step I have recruited a friend to start jogging with me. Well, actually im still trying to cajole the size 12 gal that size 8s are in these days.
Step 4,I am going shopping for the perfect top as soon as I get the cash, Im thinking Red over my black jeans with a newly acquired next mega high wedges( the wedges are not mine but im sure the size 12 owner wont mind). Wait the wedges are a lite shade of brown hope I won’t look like a multi colored clown. And before any one says jeans is not an appopriate attire to wear 4 a bus date, im assuming the date is in the evening…it had beta be.
I Hope after all is said and done I remember one fact it’s a BUSINESS MEETING.

Monday, February 4, 2008

All about W

Its company meeting time. Im typing away as usal lookin serious.My boss is yappin somethin that is not about compulsory holidays or salary increase.little wonder I am not concentrating. W the person who inspired this write up is sittin behind me lookin over my shoulders trying hard to see wat im up to. I usally let her spy,she knows I know all the cool sites 4 fun and downloads.But today since I am bloggin about her I bend the laptop head in a way that even I findit hard to read wat I am typin.
Let me tell u about W. she is that colleague that all your superiors like but all her mates hate. Me I have no official problem with her.she does her work well and since she knows I don’t bug her so she has no problem wit me...Official problem that is.Enuf pple have come to complain about W 2 me like I can do anythin I laff and tell them to take it easy.
My problem wit W she loves AWOOF, (wats the english word 4 that). Me I love awoof but W TAKES IT TO A WHOLE NU LEVEL. W buys cheap make up she knows little or nothing about Designers. Just 2 weeks ago she was going thru my bag when she found my Mary Kay eye u should have seen her face light up. 4 someone into cheap stuff the gal knows quality.she begged me to dash her I refused. (Im not stingy but W brings out the scrouge in me.)She then took off wit it. I got it bac afta a week.
Last year I acquired these cute wrangles slippers. Trust W to notice.i have worn million knock offs and nameless slippers did W notice-NO. she told me she was going to give me cash to get them 4 her.I smiled and told her how much I got them.Madam gave me a look as if I don’t know wat to use my money 4.How the conversation changed to me using my cash to buy them 4 her I don’t know.but W is on my neck to get them 4 her.
Then there is the issue of my nu ultra silm w880i.W saw me holding it and said yes this is the phone I want.she uses this phone that when it rings evri one jumps.She brought out a sheet of paper and asked me for the name I told her waitin patiently for when I tell her the price.The pen dropped when I told her the price.From her face she loved the phone.i know she can afford it, not comfortably afford but she can if shewants it badly.
This is a tip of the ice, she begs me to buy her chicken or give her cash…as if we are not collecting the same salary at the end of the month, at times my boss brings us chocolates from his trips W will collect hers and still beg u 4 yours. A few people have complained about her.
I am not stingy to my self.if I see some thing I like I buy.why is this gal doin this to her self. I know she has no dependants,so why the attitude? fine so if she thinks i spend to much on stuff why does she beg me 4 the extravagant stuff i get. i dont get her. Poor thing. Any how 4 givin me a bloggable topic I will buy her chicken.

Monday, January 28, 2008


Yuck. valentine is around the corner.yuck. No man no val, yuck. those good old days i wanted vals day to be a public holiday. now the day should be prohibited.imagine all those bloody couples havin fun walkin,holdin hands, pple recieving gifts. im out of here.let me go and lounge in self pity.

Monday, January 21, 2008


Last week my mum called me. Ok she calls me every other day but this call was the most fascinating call I have ever received from my mum.
After exchanging pleasantries 4 a very short while she hit the nail “anonymous gal I just gave your CV to my friend professor… he has assured me of a position for you in the judiciary”. Its then I think it occurred to her to ask me if im interested(as if it would make any difference. I am dumb founded 4 a nano second but recover quickly enuf to tell her politely that I don’t think that’s my callin in life. I mean imagine me as a MAGISTRATE which I most likely will be- I sentence you Mr. A to ten years imprisonment 4 stealing Mr. Q’s money, luckily I cant pass a death sentence whilst a magistrate but I could get promoted then…I sentence Mrs. R to death by hanging for killin her spouse (who in my opinion would probably be a hot looking stud-I see me admiring his picture I barely have time to listen to the case). God forbid the court has a wireless network and im on the net when im supposed to be listenin to lawyers who love hearing themselves speak and parties sayin it wasn’t me.
Any how I digress a little so I tell mummy dearest I am not interested in the calmest possible way. I should have been direct coz she still exploded sayin I know not wat is good 4 me-not true at all. So im basically 28 and just livin everyday as it comes. All I know 4 sure is I want to own a bakery and a book rental store, nothing exactly concrete.
She even gave her friend the professor the phone to speak to the recalcitrant daughter. In the most condescending voice I have ever heard he told me that we young pple don’t see wat they the elders see (a line straight from a Nigerian movie).He even called me his daughter imagine a man I have never seen, then he told me when next I am home I should come to his office to have a chat with him. Any how sweet mother said lets just get the job first then we discuss if I want it or not-as if.
See me see trouble o me and my life they want to help me run it as old as I am. Seriously my blog buddies if u are ever taken to court and u find out the judge/magistrate in charge of your case is anonymous girl wont u flee?

Friday, January 11, 2008

Everyone around Blogville is doing resolutions. I hate being left out. I am not doing resolution but will indulge bloggers by writing wat would have been my resolution if I was doin that.
Ok my resolutions would have been basically to put an end to my various addictions. People they are called addictions for a reason…we cant do witout here is my list and reasons why I cant do witout them herein after known as WICDWT.

I would stop being that girl that everyone calls including my bosses to find out if the public holiday has been announced/confirmed by the fed govt.
This is an important role im honored to be that gal who marks all holidays from jan-dec a year ahead. im so good I mark prospective holidays and the day the fall on-so I can plan well in advance. This is a serious role. Without me evil bosses would pretend they did not hear the public holiday announcement. My office needs this in me so there I cant make a resolution here.

I would finally accept wat everyone is saying that Friday is not a work free day.
I don’t work on Fridays.4 goodness sake Muslims go to mosque on that day-so im not a Muslim but I empathize wit them I wont work on Sundays so why shld I do Fridays and well it’s the day I visit my peeps in their offices, skip town and lie to my bosses that im doin field work.

3. Stop holdin my stomach and leavin company meeting because interesting stuff are rarely discussed(like salary increase latest gist on the internet), and the official laptop is not available
Yeah by now the whole office knows that nothing is wrong and all they need to do is to go to the reception and there I would be on the net. So all I need is a new thing to do when sneaking out and im bac in business.

Stop using the official laptop in the conference room to browse when company meeting’s goin on.
No cant do that, everyone else thinks im takin notes and I look so serious it would reduce my ratings.

Stop realeasing the catch on pples chairs during company meetins so pples seats go lower and they yelp thinking they are about to fall.
Hahaha mhen u shld see the looks on their faces when they are tryin hard not to scream polariod moment .ok coy meetings are long and borin I hv to catch my fun. Hehehe this is fun I urge all to try this. There is no way im givin this up.

Stop sendin notes to S durin coy meetings.
well i can do witout tjis one considerin S went and got married. so i will send notes to k instead.

Reduce my coke intake.
God forbid bad thing. It brings me great joy when im drinkin a chilled bottle of coke and its slinding down my throat. If its stop drinkin hot coke we can talk but a chill bottled no way.

Stop spending so much.
Trully I went to lilys store and begged her to remove my name from her data base so I don’t get thase lousy sms. Of course she refused so xcept if I change my no im stuck.

Stop consuming red wine.
First im an occasional drinker. I take about 2 bottles per week and then its not every week. Second I have insomnia and the wine knocks me out. I will die if I stop as I won’t be able to sleep. Period.

Feed the guards if im ever left home alone wit them
Well Jinta I would do this just 4 u. but the thing is I will neva be home alone again.

Reduce the time I spend on internet.
And afrobabe should stop blogging.

Reduce listening to music.
I have a laptop wit over a zillion songs, I have a walkman phone wit a 1 GB memory, and I am the person pple cal when they need a song. I had an mp3 player but I sold it. I cant do chores if im not listening to sumthing,I cook beta when im dancing in the kitchen .The way I see it im rendering humanity a service by providing pple wit stuff to listen to. No way am I reducing this. Can’t do witout music.

But wait o I can still do resolutions .My New Year resolution is to do the above 10 points so well I will excel and enter Guinness book of records.

Monday, January 7, 2008


Well it’s expected that I shld give d gist of my xmas.
First I decided that I was going 2 spend the 2 week break getting over my addictions namely bloggin, forum hopping, facebook which can all be summarized as an 8 letter word INTERNET. So there that’s why I have been incommunicado.
Secondly my elder sister and her husband came all the way from Canada with two terrorists they called sons, my siblings and I called them nephews, my parent’s grandkids. I must say the new batches of terrorists currently being recruited are a force 2 be reckoned with. Seriously I bought the nephew act for 30 min but I saw through the disguise my poor parents still think the ‘grandkids’ came.
Most importantly I refused to go to the village. I stood my ground and was left alone at home. Here is my diary of happenings
DAY 1. 26th dec
By nine AM the family had left. I sat in front of the TV and changed the channel after every 5 min,not because I wanted to but because I could change the channel wit out someone yelling ‘hey I was watching that’. I got bored of channel swapping By ten. I then dismissed the house help and told her to peep in on 31st dec. She fussed a little bout how I would cope I assured her that it’s ok to leave a 27/28 year old Girl at home. I also dismissed Bala-he doe’s odd jobs around the house. I escorted them out and locked the door doing a victory dance I was home alone wat could possibly go wrong.
At night as usual there was no lite I yelled 4 the guard who I wisely did not dismiss and told him to switch on the generator at 6pm (it’s meant to come on at 7 and go of by 10:30). I smiled all the way to my new room formerly my parents it had all the facilities TV, fridge ensuite bathroom.I turned off the generator by 11:30,I then put on my laptop and saw that my battery was about to run out that was when I made the startling discovery my idiotic junior ones had traveled with my adaptor.
DAY2. 27TH Dec.
My bday.I deliberately ignored the annoyin beeps coming from my phone. By 7 am the beeps had gotten so irritating-why I did not just switch of my phone will 4ever remain a mystery 2 me? On an off note are u meant to reply bday texts u know say thank u etc? By 11am I crawled out of bed it was a really cold day I managed to bath and had to overcome temporarily my drivin phobia to go and collect the pictures we took on xmas day, power pack 4 my sisters laptop and buy a few flu drugs. came home to an empty house.4 a fleetin moment I wondered at the wisdom of givin the help a break but cancelled it when I thot of how I would have 2 wake up 2 open the door ever morning…nay not worth it.My sisters power pack did not work wit my laptop, could not eat wat I cooked as eatin alone is borin,missed the full house briefly. The guard put on the Generator at 6 without being asked. Which was strange considering I did not give him food.
Woke up at 11.this time I smiled briefly, I miss the callous way my evil junior ones wake me. plus im staving and the kitchen is unappealing especially since the stuff from my previous attempt at cooking is still in the sink. Cartoon network has become my constant companion as there was noting else on cable worth watchin. I can’t imagine why the people leaving in Townsville have not left is it coz they have the power puff gals to save them? By evening im getting paranoid and delirious from not talking to any one, I have managed to convince my self that im going to be attacked at home, and I some how have developed a crush on a politician Dimeji Bankole how it happened is another mystery. Im tired of drinking coke and eating raisins it does nothing 4 the pain in my stomach. I cooked noodles but can’t eat more than 2 forks. Seriously eating alone is not fun. I am actually beginning to consider traveling to the village. The comin on of the Generator brings me no joy. Of course I still did not give the poor guard food(they work shifts so afta 12 hours a new one comes).
I can’t eat I cant sleep even changing the channels brings me no joy, im actually staring at coke and its staring bac,I Clean the whole house up including my brothers bathroom! I talk to my self coz im so paranoid I believe im forgetting how to talk. Even my nu phone brings me no joy. Then my evil, irritating junior ones cal me. They are tired of village life and are returning tomoro. Yeeha.
DAY 5 30th Dec
I wake up early actually get off from the bed take a bath put wine in the fridge and hide the remote.Yes I want them home but I still want my Tv RIGHTS. I even cook.Nice jollof rice with peppered goat meat.
Im rudely awaken by my 23 year old brother quacking like a duck in front of my new room followed by hysterical giggles from my 25 year old sister. God punish them but im glad the are home